I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
