Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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