I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Randomize
