She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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