can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
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can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
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Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
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