six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Randomize
