Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
