TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
