They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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