12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
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