Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
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