Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
