I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
