i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
