The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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