So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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