You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
