On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
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