walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
