1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
