omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
