if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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