Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
