you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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