Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Randomize
