In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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