Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
