Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
