"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
