dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
