I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Terrible idea I love it
Randomize
