people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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