Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
