Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Randomize
