My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
