Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
