There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
