I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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