my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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