seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Randomize
