either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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