I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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