Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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