Screwed.edu
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Randomize
