i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Randomize
