everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Randomize
