went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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