When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
That accounts for only three of the penises
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
