I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
