my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
