There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
