you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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