I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
