Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
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