the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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