youre lurking in front of me
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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