So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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